Desperation
by Yazzy
Summary: Desperation can make a person do strange things. TalaBryan, yaoi. Rated for attempted suicide and a bit of swearing.
1. Chapter One

Like the title says this fic is about desperation. I won't spoil the plot so read on and find out exactly why.

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_Tala picked up his bag, eyes full of unshed tears._

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"Bryan? I need to talk to you..."

"Hm? What?" Bryan asked, not looking up from his book. Tala took a deep breath.

"IthinkI'minlovewithyou..."

"Hn?" Tala closed his eyes.

"I...I think...I'm in love with you..." He opened his eyes and saw that Bryan looked wholly unamused.

"Very funny. Ha ha. Go and try it on Spencer, he's stupid enough to believe you." Tala turned, cheeks burning, then ran out of the room.

* * *

_With shaking hands, he took out a gun, and raised it._

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* * *

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"Bryan...I...I wasn't joking..." Tala said fearfully, when he wroked up the courage to go back an hour later. "I...I love you."

"What do you think I am, an idiot? I told you, it isn't going to work on me! Wait until April Fools day to play your stupid pranks on me!" Bryan snapped. Tala grabbed his arm.

"I'm not joking, Bryan...I'm serious..."

"You are, aren't you!" Tala nodded and Bryan wrenched his arm away. "You fucking puff."

"Bryan-"

"Go away." With that curt dismissal, Bryan ensconsed himself in his reading again. Tala ran away for the second time that night.

* * *

_A single tear ran down his face- he let it fall._

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* * *

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Tala found himself thrown to the floor viciously. Bryan towered over him, angered beyond belief. He wiped his lips contemptuously and glared. Tala felt as if his heart were snapping in two. "You...PUFF!" Hollered Bryan. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"B-Bryan-"

"How dare you? Keep the hell away from me, or I'll kill you!" Bryan spat. "You disgust me. Kissing another man...it's disgusting!"

"B-Bryan...please..."

But Bryan was gone, slamming the door after himself.

* * *

_He found a pen, and then wrote his goodbye quickly._

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* * *

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"Bryan..."

"Get out of my room."

"Bryan...I need you...I-I love you, Bryan..."

"I said get out."

"Bryan...please..."

"GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!"

Tala took a tentative step forwards. "I-I love you..." His eyes filled with tears.

"Get out." Tala sniffed and held back his tears.

"I love you."

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"But it's true. I love you. W-why is it so wrong?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN!" Bryan took hold of Tala by the shoulders and threw him out of the room forcefully. Tala hit the wall opposite and slid down it as Bryan slammed and locked the door after himself.

* * *

_His finger stroked across the trigger, feeling the cold metal._

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* * *

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"Bryan...I want to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to -you-"

"Bryan...I...I love you. You know that. Why do you keep...pushing me way?"

"Because you're a fucking puff and I hate you."

"D-Do you mean that?"

"I don't know. Go away."

"Bryan..."

"Go -away-."

Tala turned and gave up, defeated.

* * *

_He stroked a hand over his painful ribs and sniffed._

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* * *

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Tala fell as Bryan hit him again. "No!" He managed to choke out. "Please!" A vicious kick to his ribs forced him to gasp for every breath after that. "Bryan, I love you! Don't hurt me!" But Bryan wasn't listening. "Bryan, I love you!"

"SHUT UP!" Bryan's booted foot swung into Tala's cheek, making him cry out in pain. Bryan grabbed him by the front and yanked him up to look into his eyes. "Bryan..." Tala reached up and touched Bryan's cheek delicately. "I love you. D-Don't do this..."

"Stop telling me you love me! I hate you!" Tala gasped.

"No..." Bryan punched Tala in the face for good measure and stormed out of the room.

* * *

_He tried to stop the tears, but knew he couldn't._

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* * *

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Tala collapsed onto his bed, shaking uncontrollably. His body was on fire, everything inside him ached, and his chest felt too tight for him to breathe. But he wouldn't cry. He couldn't cry. That would be weak, and Bryan hated weak people...

* * *

_More tears followed the first, falling to the floor unnoticed._

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* * *

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He knew the only way to stop Bryan hating him was being dead. He could do that for Bryan at least, to show how much he loved him. As if a life without Bryan's love was worth living anyway...

* * *

_The finger tightened, and a muffled cry pierced the darkness._

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_ There IS a next chapter, don't worry! Anyway, R&R please, you know I love it when you do!_  
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	2. Chapter Two

Hey! Here's the second chapter, and you get to find out if Tala dies or not! I know I made Bryan a heartless git, but he wuvs Tala really (I'll stop ruining the plot and let you read it instead!):

* * *

_Tala cursed. Weak...he was too weak to do it..._

* * *

Bryan sat in his room, brooding. He still didn't quite believe that he'd done that to Tala...but there was a bloody scuff across his knuckles and Tala's pleas were still ringing in his ears. He leaned his forehead against the window and sighed. What was he so scared of? It wasn't like Tala was trying to kill him or anything...

* * *

_His finger tightened once more, but it was not enough._

* * *

Bryan sighed again and closed his eyes. He was scared. He knew he was scared, could feel that nameless, unidentifiable feeling of being hunted, trapped. "What's wrong with me?" He mused out loud. "How could I-? Why did I-? I can't..." He looked down at the blood on his hand again. Tala's blood. Tala's blood...that he had taken... "Why did I hurt him?" But he couldn't answer his own question, could only put it down to fear.

* * *

_Angered, he tried again. Somehow his finger wouldn't bend enough._

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"Am I scared...because he loves me?" The cold glass of the window was numbing Bryan's skin, but his mind pounded beneath it, trying to find answers to the many questions it had. He looked down again. Blood. He could see Tala now, pleading for mercy, with no reason for it other than 'I love you'. But they were only words, so why did they scare him so much? He stood up, then sat back down again, wavering. The image of Tala begging for him not to hurt him flashed into his mind and he was almost sick. How could he have done that? Whatever Tala was...whatever he felt...there had been no reason...no good reason...to hurt him. Decisively, Bryan stood up.

* * *

_"You're too weak, Ivanov." He growled at his glaring reflection._

* * *

Outside the door, Bryan hesitated. Did he dare? Did he dare to go in there and ask for forgiveness, after what he'd done? Would Tala accept his apology? All the nagging doubts in his mind rooted him to the spot until he heard someone muttering inside the room. He laid his hand over the handle and pushed down, letting the door swing open. "Tala!" It was all too much. Tala just standing there, side on to him, a gun in his hand, dead, empty eyes. "Tala!" He took a step forward. "Tala!" He felt like a one-track record, but it was all he could say. "Tala..."

* * *

_Bryan was there, so he had to do it now._

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"Tala! Stop!" Tala's finger, still curled around the trigger, tightened. Bryan stood there, shocked into stillness as it tightened, further and further and he screamed. "NO!" But the finger didn't stop. There was a click, and-

* * *

_He gasped. The gun had jammed. He was still alive..._

* * *

"Tala! Tala, put the gun down!" 

"But this is what you want, isn't it?" The gun was still there, and Bryan could feel paralyzing fear spreading through him. Tala was willing to die...wanted to die...

"Tala...I don't...I-I'm sorry..."

"Sorry?" Tala's eyes filled with tears. "You're -sorry-?" Bryan could feel that it was too little, too late. Tala's finger started to tighten again. There was always the chance the gun would fire. Always the chance-

With a sickening feeling he realised that he would lose Tala. Lose him as a friend, as a teammate...maybe even as something more. He flung himself forwards as Tala squeezed the trigger, and pushed Tala's arm away. The bullet exploded out of the gun and embedded itself in the mirror. Bryan stared at it, watching the mirror-Tala crack and then shatter, splintering to the dressing table and then to the floor, along with the gun that fell from Tala's hand. "Tala...I'm sorry..." It was all he could say. And it didn't come anywhere near to conveying the guilt that rampaged through his mind, through his body, through his very soul.

* * *

_If Bryan didn't want him dead, what -did- he want?_

* * *

"Tala, please, say something!" 

"You're not sorry."

"I'm not-" Tala started to cry, crumpling to his knees. Had he secretly wanted the apology, or...was there something else he wanted? Bryan knelt down and wrapped his arms around the redhead, who stiffened and started to shake. "D-Don't hurt me...please..." And then Bryan realised; Tala was scared of him. Tala was scared of him, and he didn't want that. "Tala...I'm not sorry...because it's not enough..." Tala clutched at him and sobbed brokenly, still shivering as if he were freezing.

* * *

_It was all too much. He was sorry...but wasn't?_

* * *

"How can you be both? How can you be sorry and not sorry?" Demanded Tala, choking out the question while glaring up at Bryan. Bryan didn't answer, only touched the long scratch along Tala's cheek and chin that he had caused. Guilt rose up inside him and he felt like crying himself. "I don't know...I don't know anything...Tala..." Tala's eyes strayed towards the gun and Bryan wrenched his head back round. Tala whimpered and Bryan despaired. How could he help Tala, how could he find out what he himself was scared of, if all he could do was hurt him? 

"Don't...kill yourself..."

"You hate me. Why sh-shouldn't I?"

"I don't...I was...I couldn't..." The words eluded Bryan, dancing on the tip of his tongue. "I'm scared!" He finally blurted out, raising his hand once more to touch Tala's cheek. "I-I'm scared...of you..."

* * *

_Scared? Of him? Tala shook his head. He didn't understand._

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"I thought you were joking...b-but you weren't...I was brought up a catholic, Tala, it's not-" Bryan searched for the rest of the words that he needed to say. "I didn't think...I was scared...so I was angry...I didn't...I don't hate you! I was just too scared...too weak...to question anything...I didn't want to think...about you...like that. But you kept coming back, and you said it every time and I think I was terrified but I was angry and-" Bryan's degenerative spiral into nonsensicality was halted by a finger being pressed over his lips. He gazed into Tala's tearful eyes, scared once again, waiting for judgement.

* * *

_He was scared? Scared of his feelings? It made sense..._

* * *

Tentatively, fearfully, Tala leaned closer, removing the finger and replacing it with his lips. He felt Bryan's grip around his waist tighten painfully, and pulled away. "I..." He bit his lip. "I still love you." He closed his eyes tightly, as if waiting for some kind of blow, physical or mental, to connect, but the iron grip Bryan held him in only tightened. "Tala...I'm scared..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm scared..." Tala reached up and touched Bryan's arm. 

"I love you..." The mantra that had ended up harming him before had turned into the lifeline of the moment, and Bryan clung to it.

"How can you love me?"

"I just do. Even more...now that I understand..."

* * *

_The misery in his heart was replaced with undeniable happiness._

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"Bryan..." 

"T-Tala...I'm sorry...I'm s-sorry..." Tala kissed the rest of his apology away, too happy to care. Bryan didn't hate him! But...did not hating equate to loving? "I love you Bryan..." He tried again.

"I-I th-think I...might love you too..." Bryan said shakily, throat clogged with emotion. "B-but what'll Spencer say? And Ian?"

"I don't care..." Whispered Tala.

* * *

_As long as he had Bryan...that would be enough..._

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I couldn't kill him! I've killed him before...more than once...and I thought it'd be -too- cruel to kill him again! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I appreciate it! The italicy bits in this chapter are more sort of Tala's thoughts than his actions, but meh. Hope you liked it! Oh, and if there's any questions in reviews that need answering, I'll export the story and put my answers in a note at the end of the fic. 

PS: This fic wasn't designed to be offensive to catholics or anything, so sorry if it was…


	3. Chapter Three

Now that Tala and Bryan are together, they have to tell Spencer and Ian about their relationship...will the other two be okay with it? Last chapter.

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_Tala watched Bryan reach over and turn off the TV._

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"Hey, I was watching that!" Whined Ian. Bryan ignored him.

"Look, guys, me and Tala have something to tell you both." Spencer snorted and folded his arms.

"What, are you getting married or something?" He asked mockingly. Bryan sighed.

"Almost. We're going out."

"Okay."

"You're okay with that?"

"Uh, yeah..." Said Ian, looking at them strangely. "Where are you guys going?" Bryan sighed.

"I don't mean going out as in actually going somewhere. We're dating."

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_He frowned. Bryan wanted to be honest about their relationship, but..._

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"You're what?" Spencer looked puzzled, but then Ian started laughing and he joined in. "Oh, right, I get it. Sorry, I'm no good with sarcasm. So where -are- you going?"

"Spencer, I'm not joking. Me and Tala are together. We're dating, we're going out, call it what you like. We love each other." The other two stared at him for a while, then Ian spoke.

"You're...gay?"

"Yeah." Bryan said gently. Spencer frowned.

"I'm sorry but if that's really true, it's disgusting."

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_He sighed. Bryan had no experience of things like this..._

* * *

"Spencer...why-?"

"Bryan, do you swear you're not shitting me? You're gay?"

"Yeah...why is it such a bad thing?" Ian watched, gobsmacked, and Spencer replied.

"Look, men just shouldn't...not together...it's just not supposed to work like that!"

"But..." Spencer stood up suddenly and started to walk away.

"You're fucking disgusting." He snapped. Bryan winced, hearing finally the words he'd hurt Tala with.

* * *

_He watched Spencer go, and watched tears fill Bryan's eyes._

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"Come back in here right now, Spencer." Tala snapped, finally speaking. Spencer hovered in the doorway and turned.

"What do you want, you puff?"

"Don't you dare speak to me like that. It's not disgusting, and it's not immoral, so get your fat head out of your arse, clean the shit out of your ears, and listen to me." He paused for a second, then went on. "I don't care what you think. Because the only opinion that matters to me right now is Bryan's. Because I love him. And just because you're too stupid and narrow minded to believe that two men can love each other doesn't mean that we are going to stop having a relationship to please you. We didn't have to tell you. We just thought you might like to know."

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_How dare that idiot make Bryan upset? How dare he?_

* * *

"Anyway, it's not like we're asking you to join in or anything." Ian shrugged.

"I'm okay with it. I'm going to get something to eat. I'm in the kitchen if anyone wants me." He left, and Bryan and Tala turned to Spencer.

"How can you-? With another man? It's...it's just not right!"

"Spencer, we haven't even got that far yet. But it's not going to change -you- when..if...we do. It's not going to change how things happen around here, it's not like we're going to make out while you're in the room. We're still us." Reasoned Bryan.

"It's disgusting." Spencer said stubbornly.

* * *

_Tala glared poisonously. He could feel his temper rising, rising..._

* * *

Bryan watched Tala launch himself onto Spencer and grab him by the collar. Spencer struggled but Tala was too angry to let go. "Do you know how long I've loved Bryan for? Years! And only a couple of days ago he nearly killed me because I told him I loved him! But now we're together, and I'm not going to let some wanker ruin everything I've always dreamed of having! So either learn to live with it, or fuck off, because I've had enough shit in my life, and I'm not going to let YOU spoil what I have now! Bryan might care what you think, BUT I DON'T!"

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_He had everything he wanted, he couldn't lose it now!_

* * *

Spencer gawped up at him. Tala's face was flushed red with anger, and he was glaring, azure eyes narrowed into slits. "Can you live with it? Or do I just throw you out now?"

"Tala-"

"You know it's ironic. Before people know you're gay they don't treat you any differently, but as soon as they find out you are, you're suddenly a freak! Have I groped you yet? Have I tried to seduce you? No! Don't flatter yourself, Spencer, gays aren't going to be after you!"

"FINE!" Spencer yelled over Tala's tirade. He swallowed. "Fine." As if he could have given any other reply with Tala sitting on him and threatening to kick him out of the house. Tala smiled, almost sweetly.

"I'd hug you but you'd only go all weird on me." The colour receded from his cheeks and he clambered off Spencer, going back over to Bryan and sitting down next to him.

* * *

_There. All sorted. His perfect paradise had been successfully defended._

* * *

Spencer spent the night looking at them half-shiftily, but after a while he found himself unable to stay prejudiced. After all, like Bryan had said, they were still the same people. Tala still whinged about the channels they watched, and Bryan still laughed at the most unfunny things on the TV. They were just...doing it in a closer proximity than usual...

Of course, Ian just kept stuffing his face as Bryan lay on the sofa with Tala snuggled up in his arms, so happy he could have burst. Tala was smiling contentedly, nuzzling up against Bryan's chest. Finally he had Bryan. Finally they'd told Ian and Spencer. Finally, finally...he was happy.

fin

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Okay, now this really IS the end! I don't want to continue this one any further for fear of spoiling it, so there'll be no more chapters up...sorry! Please R&R! 


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